


Death doesn't discriminate (it takes and it takes and it takes)

by oswinosgoodsscarf



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Internal Monologue, Multi, Possibly Unrequited Love, Unreliable Narrator, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-21
Updated: 2019-11-21
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:06:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 744
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21515005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oswinosgoodsscarf/pseuds/oswinosgoodsscarf
Summary: Bones lays dying and thinks about what he's leaving behind.
Relationships: James T. Kirk & Leonard "Bones" McCoy, James T. Kirk & Leonard "Bones" McCoy & Spock, James T. Kirk/Leonard "Bones" McCoy/Spock, Leonard "Bones" McCoy & Spock
Comments: 14
Kudos: 40





	Death doesn't discriminate (it takes and it takes and it takes)

**Author's Note:**

> Note the tags for possible triggers. Enjoy.

He fought death nearly every day, snatching patients from its grasp, prolonging the inevitable and fighting nature. He figured it would catch up to him one day.  
He didn't think it would be today, though.

As Bones looked up at the grey sky, vision swimming as breathing became harder, he desperately wished for more time.  
Time to say goodbye, to apologize, to talk. Actually talk, not just posture and gripe and grumble for show.  
So many people didn't know it was for show, and they never would. The new Ensign who always managed to burn themselves in engineering, but had the sweetest smile, the nurse at his old practice on earth with few words but a plethora of experience, the kid they hired at his favorite bar right before he was sent into the black.

Bones wondered how many people would miss him, and how many even knew that he missed them in return.

The pain grew worse, and his knees gave out.

No more time to apologize to Miriam, apologize for slammed doors and late nights and too little affection. Too late to make amends, to see her happy again and with a better man than him.

He was leaving Joanna too- and not for the first time. Would she ever forgive him for leaving? Leaving her mother and her, for leaving her to join Starfleet, for dying? he could remember the last time he held her (so small and bright and wonderful) and could picture her now from their occasional calls, infinitely bigger and older with a hundred thousand memories he would never know, shaping her. All he could hope for was that she was happy, even if it tore him up that he didn't fit into her life anymore. He had missed so much. And will miss even more now.

Bones coughed weakly, letting his head fall into the dirt as the world grew slowly darker, and cursed fate and cursed himself. He may not deserve more time but dammit, he needed it.  
He wanted to see home one last time, breathe in the Georgia air and let it seep back into his bones, gossip one more time with Chapel, drink one more time with Jim, argue one more time with Spock.  
Tell the crew for the first time how much he loved them. Tell Spock and Jim how much he loved them.

Loved them so much it hurt, every time they smiled only for each other or were one pace ahead in their own world of two. Tell them how he would do anything for them, chase them forever among the stars as long as he could be by their sides. Even if they never loved him back. Why would they? Spock probably hated him; the sad doctor who was a bit too too emotional and a bit too rough and a bit too mean. Jim tried, bless him, but it was only a matter of time before he would get tired. A soul as bright as James T. Kirk's was a soul destined for greater things than a tired, old physician. They deserved each other, not a worn out old bastard.

Pride or no, he should've been straight with the Vulcan, with his Captain, and confessed his feelings. Damn his pride, and damn his fear.  
Fear took so much from him in his life, it seemed fitting that it took this too. This fledgling chance, this possibility and crushed it too. Made Bones crush it, push it away, lock it out behind towering, lonely walls. Fear kept him safe and kept him lonely and what was the point if it left him feeling this broken anyway.

He wondered if they would finally let themselves be happy instead of dancing around each other like a couple of teenagers. Another regret; not getting them together. (Two of them should at least be happy-)  
He hates not knowing, not knowing if they all knew how special and important and good they all were.

All the reasons for his silence seemed so silly now in the face of it all.  
There was still so much to say, and he was dying, and it didn't matter and it mattered so much, and it would all die with him.

It might have been the shock, but Bones could swear that he heard voices. Jim and Spock. He smiled, at the though. As long as they were here, it would be alright. Bones closed his eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed (or.. liked lol) reading this. Please leave a comment or kudos to show your appreciation!


End file.
